A Collection of Flotsam
by MissJEDoe
Summary: Risen. Rick's back and Kieren is perfectly, wonderfully happy. Simon has never seen him so alive and it's making him wonder whether his presence in Kieren's life is necessary anymore.


They were so peaceful.

Simon distanced himself, leaning against the edge of Kieren's desk while the two lovers slept. Rick, easily the larger of the two, was curled around Kieren in a protective embrace with his left arm firmly across Kieren's chest. Kieren was holding this arm in place, making sure Rick didn't disappear again.

It was beautiful.

And Simon was glad.

He was glad Kieren had someone so devoted to protecting him. He was glad Kieren was happy now – since Rick had returned there had hardly been a time where Kieren hadn't had a massive smile plastered across his face. Even now, deep in their version of sleep, he was radiating happiness.

He could hardly see Rick's face, but he knew he was smiling into Kieren's hair.

They'd tried to make him feel welcome – he knew that they didn't want to isolate him. But there was a connection between the two of them that Simon would never be able to touch – deeper than devotion and admiration. Deeper even than love.

Nodding minutely to himself, he stood and crept out of the room.

The house was completely silent except for the occasional gurgling of water through the pipes. It was a calm, peaceful night and he didn't belong there.

The sky was already lightening. He walked aimlessly away from the house, hands in his pockets and head bowed. Maybe no one would notice him – most people were in bed now, anyway. He walked and walked, each step moving the weight from his head down to his chest.

Walking away from Kieren hadn't got any easier.

He started to think about how they'd react when they found him missing. Maybe they'd be grateful – he'd left them to carry on as they were without a scene. Maybe they'd be confused and worry about what had called him away.

He doubted very much whether either of them would be upset.

He found himself at the bungalow, standing in the kitchen. His mind was numb and he didn't realise at first why he felt like he was drowning.

Of course.

He stalked into his room and grabbed the long abandoned rucksack from under the bed.

That's where Kieren had kissed him – back when he needed him when he thought he'd lost Rick forever.

He shoved a few things in the rucksack, being careful with the photograph and biting his cheeks and telling himself to think of anything except that time.

He filled the rest of the space in the rucksack with neurotriptyline, hoping he wouldn't need to visit any doctors for a long while. The bag was full and he was ready to go.

He wondered whether they'd come looking for him.

Deciding that Jem probably would, he scribbled a quick, reassuring note and left it folded neatly at the foot of his bed. That would do. That would be fine.

He cast a quick look around the bungalow to make sure there was nothing else of emotional value to him – unsurprisingly, there wasn't. Something like disappointment tried to distract him but he turned away from the still rooms and marched through the kitchen, making himself not think.

The door swung open, nearly hitting him on the nose.

"Si!" Rick grinned, clearly relieved. "What you doing?"

Simon said nothing as Rick pushed past him, shutting the door firmly.

"I thought you'd be watching TV or something but when I went downstairs you'd gone." He leaned against the work surface, folding his arms and smiling steadily. "Everything alright?"

"Fine." Simon managed a tight smile, shuffling his feet slightly. "Things are fine."

"Not that I'm an expert, but it sorta looks like you're running away." Rick raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips, clearly proud that he'd caught him.

Simon just shrugged, throat tight.

"It's not a good idea."

"Why not?"

"It would kill him." Rick, uncharacteristically softly, stepped forward and put his hand on Simon's arm. "You know that."

He just shook his head, unable to meet his eyes.

"Sure you do."

"He's fine now."

"Yeah, because he thinks you love him."

Simon's eyes sharpened and he looked up at Rick, tugging his arm from his grasp.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"If you run away he won't think that anymore."

"He doesn't need to."

"Why not?"

"He's got you back." Simon sighed and shuffled again, looking towards the door. "He doesn't need me when he's got you."

"Don't be thick."

"I'm not –" He just shook his head again and stepped towards the door. "I kept a space for you. That's all. He's fine and you're back. Tell him I'm fine."

His hand was on the door handle, tensed to turn it and step back into the air. Morning was running at them and he wanted to be out of Roarton before the village was really awake.

"He's not fine." Rick sighed, swatting Simon's hand from the handle and placing himself in between him and the door.

"You just said he was. Move out of my way."

"He's happy, yeah. He's happy thinking that he's got us both."

"He has." Simon mumbled before he could stop himself. He stared in alarm at the floor.

"Has he?"

"Yes – "

"He hasn't if you bugger off like you're trying to."

Simon shrugged again, uncomfortably trapped.

"Tell me, Si. Do you love him?"

Simon looked up slowly, sadness casting a deep shadow over his eyes. It was difficult to say – especially to Rick, who had known and loved him the longest. But he set his jaw and said it.

"More than anything."

"So why are you trying to break his little heart?" Impatience had snapped in Rick now and he was glaring at Simon, chest swelling.

"I'm not – "

"Why are you leaving?"

"He doesn't need me!"

They stood in silence for a moment, Simon biting firmly on his cheeks and breathing heavily. He wanted to leave. He wanted to find somewhere safe and quiet to hide where Rick wouldn't bother him and he wouldn't have to think –

"Why not?"

"Who are you – a psychologist?" Simon hissed, stepping shakily around the kitchen. "Because he's got you. Because he's happy now. Because I'm not good enough and I'm in the way – I'm not safe – I'm not – he can't trust me."

Rick sighed loudly and swore at him. "Why the fuck would you say that?"

"I – " He fiddled with his fingers, trying to find a rhythm. "Because I was going to kill him."

"What?"

"I was going to do it." Simon's hands were shaking uncontrollably but he didn't care. "I was going to take the knife and ram it into his skull because I thought I had to."

Rick was staring at him in dumb horror.

"I was going to do it because it would make them proud." He spat, feeling his chest convulse. "It was going to bring about the second rising and it was going to be everything we'd ever wanted."

"Why didn't you?" Rick said quietly, treading closer to him again.

"I saw him – I saw him fighting and – " He sank suddenly to the floor, holding his head in his hands. Now he'd started, he couldn't stop talking. "And I saw how wonderful he was. I saw how brave and amazing and beautiful he really is and I couldn't – I couldn't – if I lost him –"

Rick closed the gap, sitting down in front of Simon.

"Does he know?"

"No!" Simon looked up for a moment, eyes wild. "How could I tell him?"

Completely surprising him, Rick had stretched forward and kissed his forehead.

"I was going to kill him too."

"What?"

"Dad… he hated Ren. Really, really hated him." Rick sat back and sighed, shaking his head and staring off at something Simon couldn't see. "He wouldn't accept that I was like I am and he thought Ren was a bad influence." He shrugged. "He told me to kill him."

"Would you have done?"

"Not unless Dad was there. But he was going to be. And I was going to kill him."

"I don't think you would have." Simon muttered, hiding his face. "You'd loved him forever."

"And you'd only just met him? Is that how you convinced yourself?"

Simon nodded. "I thought it wouldn't make a difference. But it – it did." He scrunched his eyes against tears that were desperate to flow. "You should have seen him. You'd have been so proud."

"I've always been proud of him." Rick said softly, touching Simon's hand gently. "Now. Are you going to come back to speak to him about all this or am I going to have to carry you?"

Simon laughed.

"You wouldn't be able to."

"Oh really?" They looked at each other. Rick was grinning and Simon had found a small smile. "I was a soldier. You'd be surprised how strong I am."

"No way."

"Yes way." Rick winked and stood up, holding his hand out for Simon. He took it begrudgingly, shrugging the rucksack off and leaving it on the floor.

"Right." Without hesitating, Rick had ducked down and swept Simon up into his arms. The two were fairly equally sized and this made stepping out of the door rather awkward, but Rick managed it anyway. Even with Simon screaming that he'd bit his arm off and tell Steve that Rick had said he thought his jeans were the same ones his mother owned. Even though Rick was laughing so much tears jumped from his eyes.

Rick carried him half way up the road before giving in and putting Simon gently back down. They stood laughing for a moment with their hands on each other's shoulders, completely unconcerned about how much noise they'd been making.

Maybe he could get on with Rick after all.

"Now," Rick said sternly, one hand grasping Simon's shoulder. "Promise me you won't run off again. Otherwise I'll just carry you back and make Jem sort you out."

Simon just nodded, smiling at this man as if he'd understood him for the first time.

"Ren wants us both around. Let's not take that away from him, 'kay?"

"Okay."

Rick kissed him on the cheek, lingering close to his skin for a moment.

"I hope you don't mind." He whispered, taking Simon's hand firmly in his own. Pulling back slightly to see if he was mocking him, Simon shook his head.

"Of course not. I thought – "

"You thought it was just Ren? Nah." Rick laughed, turning and dragging Simon behind him. "You're not too bad looking."

"Thanks." Simon caught up with him and raised his eyebrows jokingly.

"Welcome." They walked in silence, then "I hope he hasn't woken up yet."

"Why? Didn't you leave a note or something?"

"No – I didn't want to worry him."

They looked at each other, sharing a moment of horror.

What would Kieren think if he woke up without either of them there?

They dropped hands and burst into a sprint, thundering down the middle of the road back to the Walker household. Waking up without Simon there was one thing – waking up with them both missing –

It wasn't worth thinking about.

They ran, horrified at what they'd done and desperate to get back in time to stop him from panicking.

Luckily, Rick had Jem's mobile number saved on his phone because neither of them had thought to pick up a key.

"Can you let us in? Please?" Rick asked breathlessly, hitting out at Simon who had started to laugh for no apparent reason. "We didn't take a key… I know, I'm sorry. I'll make you a coffee. Promise." Rick hung up and pounced on Simon, trying to restrain him. "What's up with you?"

"The side door. There's a key hidden behind one of the bricks." He bit his lips to stop himself from laughing as Jem angrily threw open the door.

"You know you can get in through the other door." She hissed, rolling her eyes and stomping back upstairs.

"Told you."

"You could have told me sooner!" Rick thumped him on the shoulder and led the way after Jem, keeping his voice down. Simon shut the door gently and followed him upstairs, terribly nervous that Kieren was going to be furious with them.

Rick pushed his door open slightly and relaxed immediately. Kieren was where they'd left him, curled up on one side of the tiny bed. It was still early, so they sat on the floor and watched him quietly.

"He looks peaceful." Simon whispered, lacing his fingers together around his knees. Beside him, Rick nodded.

"He's always been a deep sleeper."

Simon looked at him, surprised.

"Sleepovers and stuff. We had this den – it was like our own place away from the world. We'd spend days there just living off pringles and pepsi." Rick grinned, picking a stray pencil up from off the floor. "We never did anything, you know."

Simon's quizzical look said no, I don't know.

"Kissing. Sex." Rick shrugged and tried to balance the pencil on the tip of his finger. "I guess we were young. And my dad made things difficult."

"Amy told me about him." Simon sighed and fought the urge to reach to put his fingers in Kieren's hair. "In a way, I'm glad."

"I know what you mean."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each of them thinking about something completely different. Simon was completely focussed on keeping his hands still and out of Kieren's hair and physically jumped when Rick put his head on his shoulder.

"I can see what he sees in you, you know." He muttered quietly, the only movement in the otherwise perfectly still room. Simon stared straight ahead, wide eyed.

When he didn't respond Rick just sighed and prised one of Simon's hands away from the other, pressing it to his lips.

"What do you think?"

"About what?" Simon asked stiffly, wishing Rick would give him his hand back. The other one was dancing again.

"Us. If we're going to share him we may as well share each other, too." He shrugged against Simon, keeping his hand held tight.

"I thought we were anyway." Simon said, a little surprised. But pleased.

"Really?" Rick asked, sitting up again. "I've never done anything like this."

"Me neither." Simon gently removed his hand from Rick's lacing his fingers together again. He managed a smile. "I think it will be good."

"Had you done anything before Ren?" Rick whispered, obviously expecting a yes. Simon chuckled awkwardly and lost control of his hands – they tangled themselves up around the pencil Rick had discarded.

"Nothing that meant anything. There were a few fucked up nights where I was so high I could have kissed a goat for all I can remember." Simon sighed and threw the pencil down, trying to casually run his fingers through his own hair.

"Drugs?"

"Oh, so many." He shook his head, unable to look at Rick. "Overdose, eventually."

"Wow."

They sat in silence again.

"I don't feel like that anymore, by the way." Simon reassured him, a humourless laugh finishing the sentence for him. "Do you think he does?"

They were still both watching Kieren so Rick knew who he meant. "No," he said eventually. "At least I hope not."

"Me too."

More silence.

As they sat there Kieren's face began to change. He wasn't waking, but a slight frown developed between his eyebrows. He bit his lips and froze, lying perfectly still.

Simon dropped his hands from his hair and prepared to move, should Kieren need him.

Rick wasn't so aware of the changes and looked between Simon and Kieren, confused for a moment.

That only lasted until Kieren's hand shot out above him, clutching the pillow. His eyes were twitching and he had started breathing heavily – his mouth had opened in a grimace.

Simon moved like lightning. He'd perched on the edge of the bed, by Kieren's waist, and was brushing his hair out of his face before Rick registered a problem. By then, Kieren had started screaming.

Terrified, Rick dashed around to the other side of the bed and tried to calm Kieren down by stroking his hand gently.

For a terrible moment it looked like Kieren was going to have a fit, but his eyes flickered open and he stared wildly at them.

"Ren?" Rick gave his hand a gentle squeeze and gave Simon a concerned look. "You alright?"

Kieren nodded mutely, still breathing heavily and sending his eyes around the room manically.

"Kieren?" Simon said softly, slipping off the bed to kneel in front of him. "Look at me."

Kieren turned his face into Simon's hand, still visibly shaken.

"You're at home, in your bed." Simon said softly, putting his other hand on the other side of Kieren's face to cradle him. "I'm with you and so is Rick. You're safe. You've got us."

Kieren licked his lips and closed his eyes, breathing out slowly. "I'm sorry."

"You've got nothing to apologise for." Simon grinned, running his thumbs across Kieren's cheeks. "Are you okay?"

Kieren nodded and sat up slowly, keeping his one hand in Rick's and taking Simon's with his other. "I get flashbacks." He was still shaking.

"Me too." Rick said, shuffling to sit on the bed beside Kieren. This left Simon with no room but he didn't mind staying on the floor. He was out of the way.

"And me." Simon admitted, kissing Kieren's fingers softly.

"Why don't we share?" Rick suggested, sending a wave of horror though Simon. Kieren, however, seemed to think this was a good idea.

"I keep seeing the – the last person I killed." He said slowly, staring into space. "That, or waking up in the coffin."

Rick nodded. "I wake up and there's hundreds of people who I don't know. I understand nothing and I'm just trying to crawl away from it all."

They looked at each other and shared an understanding. Kieren leaned his head into Rick's shoulder and Simon gently released his hand.

"What about you?" Rick asked suddenly, making Simon look up from the floor again.

"Um. Treatment centre. They did experiments…" He put his hands in his hair again, feeling safer when he was holding onto something. "It left scars."

"Don't worry about that." Rick said lightly, smiling down at him. "We all have our scars."

At this, Simon looked up and caught Kieren's eye. They shared a smile.

Maybe Rick wasn't going to be so difficult to love, after all.

"Budge up, Rick." Kieren muttered, shoving him playfully sideways and holding his hand out again for Simon. "We can all fit on here."

"You sure?" Simon asked, a little dubious and more than a little uncomfortable.

"Of course, stupid." Kieren muttered and squashed right up to Rick, making sure there was plenty of space for Simon. He accepted the hand and perched right on the edge of the bed, trying to be small.

Kieren surprised him again and pulled him in so that his head was resting on Kieren's shoulder.

It was a nice gesture. Simon found himself staring at Kieren's legs, still tangled in the duvet, for a few moments before making a decision about how to react.

He could hardly walk away again. Not while Kieren was watching and holding him so tight.

Holding his breath, Simon curled his legs under him and molded himself against Kieren's side, hands clasping around his forearm. He was begging silently to be allowed to stay – even if it was just for a few minutes.

He heard Rick moving on the other side of Kieren and he tried to look less desperate.

He closed his eyes, forcing his shoulders to relax.

Hoping Rick wouldn't see, Simon turned his face slowly to place a gentle kiss on Kieren's chest.

He imagined he felt Kieren's arm tighten around him and he imagined, until the rest of the family woke up, that this was perfect.


End file.
